Thursday, September 12, 2013

Untrue Facts About Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh is home to the highest frog population of any major metropolitan area in the continental United States. However, due to a genetic anomaly stemming from years of eating Coal Flies, they all must remain underground as they have a hyper intolerance to light of any sort. As a result, once a year the Point State Park fountain becomes the FROG STATE PARK FOUNTAIN. After cleaning up all the flash fried, smoke white frog corpses, they put up the Christmas tree.

In 1989, Sophie Masloff (then known as Americas “Steel Lady”, a jab at longtime rival Margaret Thatcher) received newly appointed President of the United States, George H.W. Bush. After beating him soundly at 9-pin in her private suite in the Three Rivers Stadium sub-basement, was overheard saying to the newest head of the country, “What's Ronald Reagan REALLY like?” and “Keep your dick out of the Cheney, if you know what I mean.”

When later asked about the visit, Miss Masloff replied, “He’s no Teddy Roosevelt. That man really knew his Moose from Bull.” She polished off her can of Iron City and said “If you catch my meaning.”

Before the year 1996, the Pittsburgh Pirates DID NOT EXIST. Due to an experiment gone awry by Nikola Tesla, memories of a nonexistent Baseball Team were leaked into the Tri State Areas water supply. As a result, an instant legacy was created. It was all very confusing until Kevin McClatchy got a wild hair up his ass in 1996.

The original intent of Teslas experiment? BRINGING BASKETBALL TO PITTSBURGH. Tesla, as is common knowledge, was an honorary GlobeTrotter. He famously coined the phrase “Ball Don't Lie, but that bastard Edison does.” Tesla was frustrated by the lack of professional Basketball games in the Steel City and he endeavored to bring, if not an actual basketball team to Pittsburgh, but the memory of one. However, due to meddling by an unknown Westinghouse agent, operating on orders from Edison himself, the style of ball was changed, and Pittsburgh was from then on infected with Bucco Fever.

The film “Cloverfield” was inspired in part by real life events when a giant lizard like monster or "Kaiju," Emerged from the area where the Allegheny, the Monongahela and the Ohio rivers converge. It was beaten back by a super team composed of Henry J. Heinz, a cyborg Andrew Carnegie, Bruno Sammartino and lead by Sophie Masloff. Their scrappy sidekick, an extremely young Jeff Goldblum, Crawled inside of the monster and destroyed it from within, saving the city and all who dwell within it. Goldbloom, however, would never be the same.

Sophie Masloff would later repurpose the dead monsters “nest” as an underwater, underground lair from which she could keep a watchful eye on the city she loved so well.

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