Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The WPXI Wars Round 6: Doc Remedy Vs The WPXI Desk

Doc Remedy: The local expert on wrestling anything and everything, Doc Remedy was the easy choice for Desk Assassin.

WPXI Desk: The backbone of the WPXI news team, The Desk stands sturdy in the WPXI studios. For years it has made news anchors out of people who would otherwise be sitting in an empty studio.

The Battle: The news had wrapped hours ago. All the lights were out aside from one shining bright over The Desk. It was now that Doc Remedy chose to strike. He ran over the strategy in his head. Kick out the tv, elbow drop the middle where the supports are weak, then set it on fire.
Over and over he thought this. His mantra. He would not fail. This wouldn’t be like the mailbox. Or the Bench. No no.... This time his victory would be complete. Doc Remedy slipped from the shadows and carefully approached the desk. "So nice of you to wait up" He growled. The Desk mocked him with silence. Doc set about to his violent task....

The Outcome:

Physicians report 9-16-08

Patients name: Doc Remedy
Condition: Critical
Eval: Patient was rushed into the Er at 4:15 am by police who found his body hanging from a light post near WPXI studios. Patient was suffering from multiple lacerations, various broken bones and a blockage in his windpipe. Patient was immediately sedated and the throat was opened within minutes of his arrival. Doctors found 3feet of Coaxial cable in the throat reaching all the way down into the stomach. Attached to said cable was pieces of television equipment which also had to be removed by opening the patients’ abdomen.
Items removed from abdomen:
Remote control (1)
Pens (4)
Water Bottle (1 1/2)
Coaxial cable (1)
Video Input Panel (1)
Various bits of paper, wood and glass

After 4 hours of surgery patient had been cleared of all debris, lacerations had been cleaned and closed and compound fractures repaired. Doctors found a small rolled piece of paper just under the skin of the patients’ right hand. When unrolled and read the paper said: "WPXI 4 LIFE"
The paper has been handed over to the police for analysis and the patient remains in critical condition.

Personal notes: I've never seen anything like this. Who ever did this needs to be locked up. The brain damage alone makes it unlikely that the patient will ever lead a normal life again. He would have a promising career as a Rodeo Clown or Pro Wrestler. That’s IF he learns to walk again.

- Dr Vimal Vias

Advantage: WPXI


  1. I will have my revenge desk.....I will have my revenge.

  2. At least he didn't end up with splinters in his ass too.